Rest If You Must, But Don’t You Quit

These past few months have physically, emotionally and spiritually taken its toll on me.  COVID-19 has brought an unprecedented amount of stress and uncertainty to millions around the world.  For people like myself, with a chronic illness, the pandemic has made managing my health all that more difficult. I thought creating my dream vegetable garden, working on our property with projects and staying busy would make this uncertain time in history go by quick and painless.  Wrong.

Back in March when everything started shutting down, I was told to work from home, I could no longer meet with my personal trainer, my appointments with my physical therapist came to a halt and my future medical appointments were placed on pause. I vowed to stay away from all emergency rooms, the hospital, and all doctors.  There was no way COVID-19 was going to take me out.

As my luck and health would have it, I managed to hit every single one of these more than once.  I fought sepsis, two bouts of C-diff, a j-tube that fell out, a picc line added, a surgically removed chest port, and a sinus infection that would not go away.  Not to mention I still need to have a few more tests completed, eventually another chest port surgically placed and a trip to OHSU for another feeding tube.  Through all of this, my nurses, nurse practitioners, certified nursing assistants, and doctors have been nothing but compassionate, understanding and humorous.  There were times when I was in the emergency room and in the hospital all by myself because I was not allowed anyone to be with me.  My medical team spent more time with me than medically necessary.  They visited me when they had a few minutes, kept my spirits up and kept me laughing at my worst.

I am slowly realizing it can be stressful living with a chronic illness on a normal non-pandemic day.  Someone with a chronic illness was already isolated prior to the pandemic.  We adjusted to cancelled plans, stayed home, lost contact with friends, lost our careers and adjusted to finding new hobbies to keep our minds active.  During a pandemic, add to this isolation, stress, anxiety and fear while maneuvering through the world during a pandemic and it is exhausting on a level I have never experienced.  The possibility of being taken out by something you have little control over because of someone else’s actions feel defeating.  I wanted to quit this past month, instead I rested.  I reflected through tears what was wrong with me. 

What is wrong with me?  A chronic illness does not stop for a pandemic.  I am placed in a hyper-aware state of my surroundings, and I need to take extra precautions to avoid exposure.  My healthcare access is spotty at times due to medication delays or access to healthcare providers.  As a result, I have had to muscle through symptoms or put off medical treatments until it is safe.  The fear of having to choose to quit a job in education due to safety concerns adds to financial insecurity and my medical care.  Because of our medical system in the United States, I work to pay for my medical treatment so I can continue to live.  Does not make sense to me, but it is a reality for so many.

All these challenges create a spiral of emotions, frustrations, and uncertainty.  The times we are living in are not normal, but my feelings are.  I have shared with those who are close to me and I know I am not alone.  Today I will rest.

Blessings and Curses All Wrapped up into One

Having a dog will bless you with the happiest days of your life, and one of the worst days.  There is an emptiness in my heart and my home day and night in losing my best friend, companion and confidante.  A few weeks ago, we had to say goodbye to Milo, our beloved 13-year old Labrador, and give him one last kiss on top of his head (which always smelled like chicken noodle soup and strangely enough comforted me).  My heart is heavy with grief, and it has been difficult to comprehend he is really gone.   

Milo was a gentle giant and would not hurt any animal, child nor human.  The worst guard dog ever but if you needed love, he had more than enough to share.  Because he was so intelligent, we immediately placed him in training to properly channel the energy he possessed.  We knew from previous dog experience, if we were not consistent and firm, he could turn our lives upside down.  We were all soon registered to participate in a training facility in Los Angeles to train him and us in stage work for television and movies.  Our intention was never to have Milo become famous.  We just wanted to have fun while we all learned.  He, of course, did great and quickly learned how to stand on his mark, bark on command, lay on his side and raise his head up and down all through hand signals.  His work included a music video for our friend and neighbor, Michelle Mangione, What is a Saint? (https://youtu.be/lybQkDXMakc) and attended a dog party for a little boy for the Make a Wish Foundation.  After this last gig, he moved on to more stable work. 

Milo began working in our stained-glass studio and shop in Long Beach.  It was like having a bull in a china shop at times when he was overcome by the zoomies.  He had a fan base who would come into the shop just to visit with him.  I cannot blame them, he exuded love and was excited to see everyone.  After closing the shop, Milo retired and spent most days hanging with his sister, Callie.  They went camping with us in the Sierras, hiked, fished and took many naps.  Moving to Oregon allowed Milo to experience some of the best hikes he has ever been on and became my farm dog.  He assisted me in the vegetable garden every day and loved laying in the grass with all the chickens. 

Leading up to his last days, Milo insisted on helping me with the baby chicks and working in the garden.  He was stiff and sore but was determined to be by my side.  Even when I did not feel well myself and fighting off infections, he stayed by my side and had no problem taking naps with me.  I often joked and called him my farm dog, but truthfully all he really did was eat chicken poop, follow me around and take naps while I worked. 

My heart was finally filled last night when I had my first dream of Milo wagging his tail and slobbering all over me.  It felt good to see him so healthy, young and happy.  Milo, thank you for the tiny real-life visit to ease my aching heart.  I love and miss you, farm dog.

When Life Gives you a Quarantine, Plant Potatoes

With all the uncertainty and chaos in the world right now with COVID-19, the one place which brings me peace and to the present moment is when I am digging in the dirt and watching seeds turn to plants. With less time traveling to work, running errands, going to doctor appointments and meeting up with friends, I have had significant time available to plan, prep and plant the garden this year. I completely geeked out spending hours using an online program to plot out all my raised beds with companion plants. This was easy to do because we had some cold days. I was so proud of my very strategic, organizational and planning skills. I printed out my plans and stepped out into my garden and realized I needed to make some changes. Some of my seeds had expired and I could not order them online. I had run out of physical energy in placing the soil in the raised beds and bark along the walking paths. I also decided I wanted to try square foot gardening in some of the beds this year. New plan . . . again! There are no mistakes in gardening, only experiments. This year became the 2020 Quarantine Experiment.

With the realization I needed new seeds and some help with physical labor, I quickly jumped on my computer. I tried to purchase new seeds and realized most seed companies were not fulfilling new orders. Every company was inundated. It was apparent, everyone was growing gardens this year due to the fear of a possible food shortage and job loss. This quickly sent me to the farm store, Wilco, with a mask on my face, 6 feet of social distancing, and a mission to find the seeds I needed. I found my desired lettuce seeds, potatoes, onions, radishes, carrots and chives. I also purchased several plants I should have never purchased at the time (I already killed them . . . tomatillos and tomato plants). That’s what happens when you get excited and accidently leave them outside in April in Central Oregon (too early and I don’t own a green house . . . yet).

The next task was to ask Krista to help me level the raised boxes (all made from reclaimed wood from an old deck), move soil into the boxes, create a few hoop houses, move bark into the walking paths and get one of the beds set up for my square foot gardening experiment. Easy for a Saturday and Sunday project, right? Not exactly. We were able to get almost everything completed, minus moving all the soil. My mind says I’m in my twenties and my body responds with, you wish. Needless to say, we both were exhausted and sore on Monday. Krista was grateful to be able to sit back in front of a computer and go back to work. I, on the other hand, attempted to do more work outside in the garden. My body awareness of pain and fatigue quickly anchored me to the present moment. I lasted about 20 minutes and decided I needed to rest for future plantings and for the next big project I had planned for the following weekend.


College-level Curricula in Gardening

The irony of life is I love to grow food and yet was placed on a feeding tube.  I do not eat most of what I grow; my spouse, friends, chickens, ducks and goose get to devour most of the fresh vegetables and fruit I produce.  The universe has a sick sense of humor, which I totally admire and relate to, but the food joke was an extreme dark one.  It has been 9 years now, and I have adapted and accepted my new normal.  For someone who was a picky eater her entire life, I totally regret it. 

And the next irony of life was moving this gardener from Southern CA, where everything grows the minute you plant it, to throwing me into Central Oregon . . . college-level curricula in gardening.  There is a lot to learn and experiment with living in the high desert.  I have lived here for almost 5 years now and in no way can I claim, “I’ve got it!”  What I have learned in my short amount of time here is there are many factors that create challenges for any gardener here:  temperature, precipitation, elevation, soil types, hardiness zones and micro-climates. 

My first year, I was told three important pieces of information from a very successful Central Oregon gardener:  1.  Live in your new home for one year before deciding where to place your garden, paying close attention to sun placement throughout spring, summer and fall.  2.  Water, water, water.  3.  Do not plant any of your warm crops outside until all the snow is off Black Butte.  I managed to abide by all three rules my first year with my garden and still experienced many failures.  Thank goodness I am not a quitter and love a good experiment and challenge.

Now we are into our 5th year of living in Central Oregon and the universe slipped in a worldwide pandemic with a lot of uncertainties.  No worries, I got this.  I am a positive person and like to capitalize on what has been freely given to me, so why not attack the garden task in my little micro-climate of Central Oregon?  Challenge accepted with a limited budget and more time than ever to experiment and adjust what has not worked in the past.  I am not one for always following directions, so I decided to build a simple, cheap hoop house with a heater this year to break the rule of no planting before the snow melts on Black Butte.  I sat down and started to plan my garden and what were some ideas I wanted to experiment with.  I know everyone does it differently and some may even believe their way is the only way, but I come from the camp of, “I learn best by experimenting and sometimes even failing.”  I also will take advice from old timers here who are free with their knowledge. 

I am the queen of lists, so here is my 2020 plan on a budget:

1.  Build short raised beds using all reclaimed wood from an old deck (free)

2. Fill each bed with a mixture of soil from a local company (Best in the West) and a mixture of soil freely shared on a local Facebook group, called Central Oregon Gardeners (this is a great source of information and knowledge (base of peat moss, 2 bags 3.8 cubic feet each, 66 liters of worm-gro, forest humus and kelp meal.  Add around a cubic foot each of perlite and vermiculite. Top it all off with 5-7 pounds of DTE veggie garden blend and mix it all up pouring it onto a tarp). 

3.  Cover the beds with strawberries and raspberries with pvc pipe and bird netting to keep out wild birds and rabbits.

4. Mulch each bed with alfalfa.

5. Create a hoop house out of pvc pipe and plastic so I can start everything by seed this year and control the night temperatures with a heater if needed (using plastic from the hardware store for now to save money for experiment purposes only).

6. Cover all walkways with bark from getchipdrop.com (free but you need to be patient waiting for it) in order to control the weed issue.

7. Plan out all my companion plants and flowers for each bed (make adjustment where needed and there has been a lot.  Not sure yet if this is the way to go).

8. Purchase seeds at the local farm store, Coastal or Wilco.  In taking stock of my seeds, I realized I need a better way to organize them.

9. Experiment with square foot gardening with one bed (2nd Edition All New Square Foot Gardening by Mel Bartholomew).  This grid-based method works well for small yards.  You will get more produce in less space with less weeds from what I have been told.

10. Secure the entire garden to keep the chickens out.

11.   Place a drip system throughout the garden (water, water, water).

12.   Continuously plant seeds and grow all my vegetable and perennials from seeds.

13.   Build a greenhouse on the property to extend my growing season.

This plan may be modified at any moment.  Remember, it is an experiment and living in Central Oregon I anticipate some failures this year.